I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
