Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Someone signed my nipple.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
