the condom got lost in my hair
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
we're so committed to being not committed
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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