you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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