I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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