Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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