At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
