Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
