You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
