she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the day after is always just damage control
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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