My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
