Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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