A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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