were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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