He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
