Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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