i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
