Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
