Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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