everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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