I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
