wrigley field is MILF paradise
i may or may not be watching the land before time
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
