And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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