thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So much rum. So many feels.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
