I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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