Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
