I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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