The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
