A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
