Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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