i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I have tasted many bathrooms
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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