Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
