so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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