She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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