Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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