wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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