i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I think i got beer on your cat.
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