She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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