I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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