apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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