K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
