yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He did a backflip because drugs
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
