My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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