i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
