I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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