Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
