apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
