Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
