I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
