I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
