I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
