Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
