you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
