I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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