I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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