I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
