I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
