Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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