a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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