the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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