You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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