I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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