my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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