When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
