Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize