there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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