Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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