it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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